4 out of 6 months hasn't been so bad

It has been a few days over 4 months since I returned from Peru.  WOW!  I can't even believe it has been that long.  It feels as if I just came back maybe a month ago.  So, much has happen in those 4 months that I feel it fair to start from the beginning.  February 14, 2012 marks a milestone in my life (just think about it next valentine's day makes one year O_o)  I stayed with my sister in New Hampshire for a week before heading to Detroit for the closing ceremony.  It was a beautiful ending to a marvelous experience (All thanks to Cap Corps Midwest). 
During that retreat week God opened my heart and mind to alot of options for my life.  One being a return to Detroit and seeing about getting hired as a peer mentor for the prevention department at "Alternatives For Girls".  I really liked that idea and made plans to make that happen.  But, unfortunately I had a few demons to deal with which prevented that option from happening. 
This lead me to "Give up"... something that I am all too familiar with.  It wasn't until after the first wedding I was to attend that I was tired of 'Giving up'.  So, I took a stand and gave up on 'Giving up'.  I must say I bested myself with that one because it made trying to find a job all that much interesting.  I applied for two jobs (one an on-call and another a full-time).  Well, the on-call job was easy to get :)  But, I went through mud and grim to get the other (which in the end only being a 2-month contract). 
I have never had to work so hard at getting a job.  A job at the time that I wanted sooooooo badly.  I had to do things that was not of my character, like call -more than once mind you-  to see if I was still being considered.  The week before they were to start their summer program, I received the call and was asked to go for orientation the next day, so that the following day I could start working.  Everything went so fast that I didn't even get a chance to think. 
Life has been much more alive since I got the job.  The busyness of it all has been very welcoming.  I am loving it.  Though it doesn't have the same demand as my work in Peru.  It makes me miss that life and the routine of it all.  The constant work that needs to be done and the challenges that come with them. 

God has been listening very attentively to me for the past year because he has given me the biggest challenge that I could ask for.  He has blessed me with the work of being the president of my churches Youth and Young Adult Ministry.  What does that involve?  Well, that is one of my challenges... trying to figure it out.  LOL, I have gotten feedback from so many (once again doing things that I rarely do, yet am skilled at).  I am glad that HE has all this faith in me because I feel as if I don't have enough.  God is never wrong in what HE does and I trust him in this decision. He gave me the background (college) and experiences (Cap Corps Midwest) to utilize.

2 more months and it will be half a year away from Peru.  I know I won't be prepared for it, but I will remain open to it.  I will update you all in 2 months :)

Ending well to enter well

It has been exactly one month since I arrived back on this land we call the US and...

The busyness of living has just caught up with me and now I am left with nothing more than to reflect and take in all that has happened to me in the past 2 and a half years. It may seem that I would talk about that in this blog, but I am not (Really?????).

In this blog, I would like to share about how I ENDED WELL to ENTER WELL.

I started thinking about this subject about 6 months before 2012. This seemed to be a good amount of time to figure out where one would like to or needs to be after finishing a job or in my case 2 and a half years of volunteer service in Peru. For a long time, the idea of going back to School wasn't in the next chapter. So, I made no move to look for a masters program that I saw fit for the profession I wanted to be under, until the middle of November. With about two months left and Hep A, I was in a slump to slow down. It wasn't just a a few days of being sick or getting hurt. Nope this was a stop in your tracks situation. God definitely grabbed my shoulders and put me in a chair telling me to let others help YOU. This lasted for a little over a month which you can read how that went in an earlier blog .

So, as I had all that time to be still and not busy... I looked up some colleges and masters. Took make this short, I found the perfect masters for me in a place I was all too familiar with-- DETROIT. So, God was telling me something and we were on the same page. Got to spend the last week and a half with my kids before they all headed home with their families.

Then, it was time for Retreat and vacation. For our ending retreat we decided to go about 9 hours up north to the east to a city called Huanuco. During the retreat, I was introduced to the transition process to the extreme and revisited the Trauma Stewardship. Both in which helped with a lot of the processing of feelings until I left Peru. As a community, we decided to do a trip up to Tingo Maria. I felt that it was greatly needed for our community. For we rarely had a chance to do one since the new/present volunteers came. We went to a cave, a serpent park, and the others got to climb up 6 waterfalls (I was still recovering from Hep A at the time). After that trip, I went on my solo trip a little farther north.

I spent 10 days getting to know CHACHAPOYAS and TARAPOTO. Having only traveled by myself once before this trip (and that one I was meeting up with my cousin) I was filled with many emotions. Yes, I was afraid but I was also excited to know Chachapoyas. After 24+ hours in a bus I finally reached Chachapoyas and ended up checking into a different hostel than I planned. It turned out to be the better choice. I visited the near by city of Huacas and did a 3-day package of tours (Kuelap, Karajia, and Gocta)... During those three days I meet the most wonderful people. I was lucky that I had 4 people that I shared all 3 days with. Then, I was suppose to go to Moyobamba for 4 days, but during the tours I was convinced that Tarapoto would be a better destination.

So, it was to Tarapoto. I had to stop in Moyobamba to get to Tarapoto anyways. Tarapoto was well a very noisy city. Motorcycles every where. I did a one day tour to two places: Ahuashiyacu and Lamas. My room had cable which was awesome, I spent two days just relaxing and catching up on the music world. Heading back to Lima was a riot. We ended up getting held up for half a day at a pass which was being constructed on. Luckily it was during bedtime, so we all just slept. So, what was a 26 hour bus ride turned into a 44 hour bus ride. How I love Peru.

After my travels, I spent my days being a lazy bum and chatting with who ever was in the ciudad. Spent time the rest of my time helping with preparations for the next year, spending time with the community, and preparing for my own departure. I attend a few of the workshops during orientation week for the tutors and realized that it only made it that much harder to leave. Then, the kids came back and all the worrying about not having enough time to feel content with my leaving left me. For the 3 days, I was present among them I realized that life continued. My leaving did not put a stop to what was going on and that I need to continue as everyone else was. I was at peace with leaving a country that had become a home to me, a group of people that have become my family, a way of living that had become so natural.

With these realization, I entered into the US quit content and at peace. Though this did not last long for the first morning back I was in disbelief that I was in the US. I was shocked to look at the window and see snow on the ground, buildings nice and all the same colors, and a room cluttered with materialistic items. I was back in the US and I felt like I was drowning. These feelings I will highlight more in my coming up blog. All in all, I did end well in Peru to Enter well into the US.

Acceptance and the feeling of being trapped

It all started after a 45 min. workout in the hot sun....

Arms started hurting, then the legs, with a slight headache. It could have been from a number of things: Working out insanely to insanity with the roomies in the hot sun; not drinking enough water before, during, and after the workout; not eating enough after the workout; and not recuperating well from the workout. Though all of these are valid reasons, neither one was the answer.

On Monday, I went to our clinic and as I feared it was a fever. Got my Peru version of tylenol and was told to drink the liquids and take the medication. So, for the two days prescription I took my pills and try to drink and eat regularly. The pills were easy to take, but drinking liquids and eating were a struggle. Especially, when anything I ate wanted to leave the same way it went in. By Wednesday, the fever was gone, but the feeling of vomiting was still there. This day I just couldn't fight it anymore and gave in. There was specks of blood [ This showed me a different meaning behind what I call 'Inner wars' ... I fought so much to keep it in that I was only doing damage to the inside of me from keeping it in. I wonder if this is what it means to speak your mind, when you feel soooooo negative about what was done that your insides just want to spill it all out, but instead you keep your mouth shut...].

From Wed. to Fri., I suffered from prevention. Preventing myself from vomiting and from going to get medical help. I just felt better resting and falling asleep. Friday, I finally went to the emergency. Good thing I did because I wouldn't have known that I had Hep A. Nasty virus that is common for foreigners to catch. What is the remedy? Rest, Liquids, and a bland diet. Overall, ZERO ACTIVITY! That last one challenged me after 2 days.

ZERO ACTIVITY? What does the even mean? Oh, no cooking... no walking to much... Just stay in bed, read a book, watch a movie, and drink your liquids. This was after coming out of a week of being seriously sick. A lot of close friends can just imagine the pain (mentally) that was going through and still am going through.

Though one thing I have learned through all this is that there is no one to blame for this. It is just something that ended up happening to me. What made me come to this conclusion you maybe wondering. Well, it all started after a visit from a friend who reminded me to pray.

Through out this whole ordeal I didn't pray. I didn't start actually praying until the 11th day. I got back into praying the rosary on the 12th day and haven't missed a day yet. I am on my 20th day of being sick and my outlook on life has become much more clearer. I have added a few new prayers to my prayer time. I am praying the Christmas Novena and meditating on the days of Advent. For the pass 10 days I have struggled with being kept inside and trying not to allow jealousy to come into my heart when my roommates announce very loudly that the chocolate they are eating is just "SOOOOOOO GOOOD!" Or other foods that well I can't eat right now.

Of course, I keep all this in because I don't really know how to verbalize how these things make me feel without sounding or seeming Passive-Aggresive. This Advent I feel as if I God has given me a piece of land to rest in and to discover the talents/ gifts that he has bestowed on me. But, I am doing exactly what Isaiah 5:1-7 talks about. I am producing wild grapes and not tending the land. But, the difference of this story and my present life is that God is tending my land without me knowing. He is keeping it well, while he allows me to walk around angrily and in rage at the feeling of being stuck in one place for to long. When I feel as if I am being abandon he shows me that I had company. When I feel as if there is no end to this infinite void he creates cracks to show me the light that I will be surrounded by when I am finally free. He cares for me even though I may have to suffer just a little bit more.

During this time, I have been reading the "Ignatian Workout" which is a book about how to develop a stronger prayer life. Rule number one... it will never be perfect. Rule number two...It is not always a sunny and happy time. As I read the different principles and meanings of prayer I am awed at how much I have been doing them already. I have not found anything new... yet. But, I as I read on my prayers have become more conversational (which Ignatius says that pray is basically... my thoughts exactly).

There are 7 practices to the workout:

1. Gaining interior peace

2. Practicing the presence of God

3. Making preparatory prayer (In this case, pray that God might help you to understand the things in your life that hinder you from knowing God's will.)

4. Using your imagination. (Put yourself in the story, and use all your senses.)

5. Making your requests known. (Let God know what you are thinking about.)

6. Engaging in a closing conversation with God.

7. Repeating what works for you.

I have used many of this practices in different prayers and they have been helpful in understanding our God. Have these practices help me get to where I am at? I have a huge feeling... YES! Am I good right now... not at all. Do I hurt? YES! Am I suffering? YES! Do Accept these things? YES! It is hard to do so but that is what I feel I need to do. Do I want to punch the wall or the bed post? Yeah, I want to punch things. Is God working in me, is he calming me, is he holding me back from unleashing my anger? YES... Oh, gosh he is.

Some songs that have been helping me through this ordeal are:

Our God-- Chris Tomlin

Hello Fear-- Kirk Franklin

Before I die-- Kirk Franklin

Sing sing sing-- Chris Tomlin

Timeless-- Matt Maher

Father Can you hear me-- Tyler Perry

2 de Diciembre, 2011

Calling on Mary....

As I continue to look deeper into my spiritual self many things have seemed to surface. I found that:









- I like to pray the rosary




- God is there and never leaves us behind




- Ask and you shall receive




- Don't stop believing!









Of all these, praying the rosary has been the greatest discovery. In the past week, I have been hit with a lot of obstacles. My sister felt abandoned, I was reminded of my moms death, my brother was hit with custody, and other emotional things. I felt useless for my sister because I could not be there (physically) for her. Luckily, I was able to get in touch with her by Skype (and so was my brother).




With these things happening far away, I was allowing their hurt to become my hurt. I was not as present for my kids in my pabellon. I kept to myself and kind of refused to be social. The beauty about being in Peru is that I have a community I can rely on. My sisters situation happened on the day that we usually do Rosary as a community. I almost didn't want to pray it and just feel sorry for myself and my sister. But, I felt that I needed it and prayed it with them. At the end, I stopped crying and felt a lot more clear headed. I prayed the rosary again the next day and was happy through out the day. Saturday and Sunday I did not pray it. Did I not have time? I had all the time in the world. I just didn't pray it.





Today (Monday 10/11/11), I prayed 3 mystery's in the morning. My pabellon went on a field trip to a park about 30 min. away from CDLN. We had a huge pot of food that we were carrying and decided that one of us take a combi there. It was going to be Luciano (one of my kids) and I. The first available combi ended up being empty. Anita asked them if they wouldn't mind taking 26 kids and 4 tutors. They were going to charge us 20 soles for all of us. Anita got it down to 5 soles. Coincidence or the help of Mary? I would like to give thanks to Mary and Jesus for that one. The kids had fun and so did we. It was fun being a kid for a day.





The rosary has been a huge part of my time in Peru since May of this year. It is hard to pray it every day, but when it makes everything feel better why not do it.

A Week of Misfortunes and Changes

This past week the bug of misfortune hit the family Nino Jesus. From 5 kids being sent home due to a case of chicken pox to having to clean up blood in one day.

Last Sunday, God asks us to take a look at our actions and the way we live; asking that we change. First, he tells us to change in the way we share with others. Tell them the bad that they do in order that they change their conducts/ ways. For me this has been a very hard lesson to hear from others about me. No one wants to hear what they are doing bad. No one wants to know that what they thought was good enough wasn't good at all.

I personally, have been feeling a bit taken a back by this request because I have found myself receiving the criticism more than giving it. I have been putting myself down in a way that I am not allowing myself to help others become the best version of themselves. I have not allowed myself to think that what I have to share is good and not meant to hurt the other person but to help them see what they can not see themselves. In turn, I am not allowing myself to accept the feedback that others are trying to give me in order for them to help me become the best version of myself.

The second way he asks us to change is to LOVE with an open heart. In a reflection it states: The love expressed by Christ through the Holy Spirit has now become the engine of interpersonal relationships and the single source in the process of changing attitudes to the brothers of community in society. This is the type of love we need to want and to share with others in order to see the change that needs to happen and then to apply it to our lives.

The third way he asks us to change is by searching for the intervention of the community or life group and if this last resort does not seem to effect the lost brother, then the community seeks recovery or leaves him to disassociate himself from them. This way has been very helpful for me during this journey with CAP CORPS Mid-West. I have learned to trust in me and the help of my community. With out asking for help the community breaks. The more you keep quit, the more it shatters. This last form of change, is what I like to call 'THE CALL'. This is when God steps in with Jesus, Mary and all the saints and does some serious healing in you. This is what the buddhist would call enlightenment in a sense. Catholics would call this a time of Discernment. The first two steps are very necessary in order for one to enter into the third and final step.

From having 24 to now having 20, a lot of changes (good changes) have been happening in the house. There is more time to teach the kids, time to reflect on ourselves, time to reflect on this past in order to prepare for the future, time to build courage, love, and patience. Also this past week, we received a new volunteer in our house. The work load has also lightened, leaving me with more time to play with the kids. There is just a lovely feeling when the kids call you asking you to come out and play with them :)

May God speak to you this week and show you the changes that he wants from you. They aren't meant to degrade you, but lift you and make you great here on earth as he sees you from heaven. May love seep into you pores and flow to your heart. For God, so loved the world that he gave up his one and only begotten Son (OUR BROTHER JESUS)!

LOVE YOU ALL

The by-stander theory

In the past month, life has been a test. For my kids, for my tutors, for my roommate, and especially for ME! It just feels as if God is dishing out test after test to everyone. Like he has something huge planned out for all of us.

About two weeks ago, I was faced with the test of the 'By-Stander'. What God wanted to see in this test was the actions I would take in a certain situation. About two weeks ago on a Saturday I was heading back from a lovely 7 hour hangout with a friend who I haven't seen in a very long time. As I was walking to CDLN, I first came across a man peeing in public (typical men). So, I ignored him (Check). As I continued to walk, I decided to check my surroundings and when I looked back the man that was peeing had a man in a business suit by the neck while two other men where robbing him and ripping at his clothes. This was all done in public with cars passing by and about 20 people walkng away or towards them. A taxi driver honked at them and a couple was walking towards them. I on the other hand turned away and kept walking not liking myself because I knew I couldn't do anything.

As I continued on my way about 30 feet away from me a man ran in front of me with a piece of lumber in his hand and threw it at a taxi that was passing by on my right. I kept walking a bit shocked. So, I said a 'Hail Mary' and didn't stop my pace. As I kept walking two other men joined the first man. In the end, I made it back safely to the compound that is CDLN.

The second test was a partner test. Last weekend Jeanette and I went to have Chifa (Peruvian style chinese) for lunch. On the way to the restaurant we witnessed a domestic abuse with an older man and a younger women. He kicked a slapped her into the car as she hit him back. But, of course he had the upper hand a got her in the head. Jeanette wanted to do something. I fought the urge to yell out, 'OH, DIOS MIO! POR QUE DIOS?' Our staring the man done made a women that was passing by look also and she said something but I don't know if it was what stopped the two from fighting. We said a 'hail mary' and prayed for the two of them.

In the first test, God has taught me to always make sure that I am safe and to not put myself in danger (like how I did in the past). Also to pray no matter what.

In the second test, God has taught me that if what you want to say doesn't sound good in your head, then don't say it at all. Also to pray ino matter what.

Lesson learned: Prayer for and with others for 'when two or more is gathered in his name he is there.'

Knowing God in Peru

'Yo Soy El Pan Vivo Bajado Del Cielo'

Recently, my prayer life has become more concrete, rather than the occasional prayer moments. After our staff retreat in May and our pomise as a community to pray the Rosary everyday. I have found that it is indeed hard to do so. I have found myself asleep after the 2nd mystery or not ending the rosary at all missing one or two of them. I can pray the rosary completely in a group. Alone I find myself distracted by thoughts of people or things I need to do.

Working with my children, I have found that a set shedule works best when it comes to accomplishing things. With out a written schedule and promise to self, nothing really gets done. So, I recently created a prayer schedule for myself. I have yet to put it into practice. Funny me, I forgot to schedule the weekends in, lol.

So, far it is as follows:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday:

5:30a Prayer in the garden (like when Jesus went to the garden to pray alone to his father after performing so many miracles)

6am Open the rosary and pray it throughout the day ending it before dinner

(One mystery done with a few of the kids in my house)

Tuesday and Thursday:

5:30a Prayer of Joy and happiness

10:30a Rosary complete.... Tues. Individually and Thurs. with Jeanette

Like I said I forgot to include the weekend, will do soon. I want to pray one mystery with my kids because I did that one day and had them say the prayer for that mystery (that day I did 3 with them, lol). Plus, it helped that I had chocolate for them afterwards, jejejeje.

God has become more than just some great being in my life. He is much more... he is a friend, a protector, a mentor, a father. Through prayer and faith I continue to be in awe of his greatness. Finding that spiritual calmness amongst the hecticness of CDLN has become easier. All I have to do is look at the faces of my children and up at the sky :)

The end is just the beginning

The ending of the Easter season....
The start of a better living.

50 days of Easter is about to end soon and I have been spiritually challenged, hurt, and drained. The result of this has been a welcoming calmness and understanding of our brother Jesus and Father. Also an open heart and ear.

During this easter season, I included the reflections from the little white book to help guide me. I have never done this in its entirety (meaning I would stop after 2 weeks), but this year just seemed to keep calling me to reflect. In one of the relfections they talk about the doors within ourselves... the ones we fear entering. This gave me an idea for one of our prayer nights. I shared this reflection and then had us make little doors and on the inside we wrote down the things that we fear facing/entering. That was about 3 weeks ago that we did it. I still take mines out in times of prayers.

This whole season God has been telling us to not be afraid. I feel that he was especially talking to me. I feared a lot of things in my life and have come out of them only through the help of God. When two weeks ago I was struggling with my feelings towards God, God didn't let up on me (I was very angry at him because of my mothers death which will make 9 years on June 27). During our staff retreat for CDLN, he spoke to me in teh silence and a few times he yelled at me. I was very stubborn because I thought I have justified my feelings fairly. But, God didn't want to lose me because of this and he sent his son to fetch me. Now, my relationship with Jesus is a very special one. I treat him like a brother and he treats me like his little sis. He has helped me in instant moments where I need a push from doing or not doing something. I call my talks with him conversations. Prayer for me is when I ask for things. But, when I am just sharing those are conversations.



At the end of the retreat, God and I were still at ends with eachother. He allowed me to feel anger towards him and I appreciated that. I may have been really angry with him, but at the same time I love him. As we near the end of the easter season I can't help but notice how much more present the paraclete is and how much more happier I am.

This week I ask that we all take the time to just sit with the Lord. To open our hearts, minds, and eyes to the glory of God and to also be still. For it isn't in the thunder nor the earthquakes nor the hurricanes when God will speak to us, but in the silence of a new morn or silence of a moonlit night.

Breaking in...

It all started on the 13th of February....

One by one... groups by groups the kids filed into 'Ciudad de los niños'. I had the fortunate job of directing the groups to the dining hall where they were greeted by the tutors and pre-tutors (for the older houses). When they are down with signing the contract and paying fees they are brought to their houses. This day starts off the beginning to a very mysterious year.

Mysterious in the sense that we all do not know what to expect. For me, it is going to be quit different because I will be working in only one house for the whole year. Having been here already for 18 months, I am now comfortable enough to take a chance at sharing my opinions. I have seen a lot and have been through a lot in the past 18 months. From not being able to have a conversation with people, to making mistakes on norms, to giving unconditional love, to being a voice of conscience to the older boys.

For 6 months, I was treated as an outsider and ignored because I didn´t speak good spanish. It is just easier for someone to speak to someone who knows the language and to ask for help form them even if they are losing out on a great resource. For a whole year, I was treated as a local. A lot more people treated me like I was from Perú. Like I was one of them.

It is times like these that you learned to live again, it is times like these you learned to give and give again (Foo Fighters) For 18 months, I have given a good amount of myself to CDLN.... majority of it being the love that God gave me. Without Gods presence, I wouldn´t have been able to see that this year I need to be in Perú. This year there is quit a few new kids and it is hard for them to get accustomed to life here in CDLN. That left us as volunteers with questions of why? Why is it hard for them? For me that left me with the question of what can I leave here at CDLN that will be of great help for present and future kids.

I will leave you all with saying this: I have an idea!

Building Something New

Brick by brick... inch by inch...Brain storm... reflections... and MORE! Nothing beats the first steps to building a home.


Everyone is building their home right now... being it is their family home, future home, community home, or even their retirement home. We are all in constant planning, deciding, acting, erasing, learning, failing, and succeeding. But, what happens when you don't feel included in this building because what you want doesn't sound/ look good at all for the other(s)? What if you are so different that you don't belong and are stuck with it anyways? What can one do to not lose who they are in this need to build a perfect home?

PERFECT...I've learned to accept and despise this lovely word. It can be so positive and yet so negative and destructive at the same time.
DIFFERENT... A good friend gave me an alternative for this word (DISTINCT). Yet different seems to be understood and accepted more.

Two words that have made me and broke me in the past 20 years of my life. Usually not at the same time. Presently, these words are more making me than breaking me. I know, that nothing can be truly perfect and not all different is weird/strange. But, that is exactly what I am... I am not truly perfect( yet I am) and I am different (in that little weird way).

This year I want the kids to know that they are something, that they can be something great. It was interesting to go through graduation with this past years boys. I wish I could have done more pep-talks with them. Or even help them with looking up organizations/ programs that they could be involved in.

Then, I was reminded of a dream. A dream of one of the brothers, back in the US, that I met in my first year of service. The dream to provide more volunteer opportunities. Why not provide international volunteer opportunities here in PERU? I might be thinking to big, but it's an idea.

What I have learned this past year is that we are using money in the wrong way... We are not educating each other very well... we want big things and lots of money (Sorry--US citizens), but for what?...I want the boys here to experience more than they could have ever dreamed.

It's nice to have that expensive bag, that new ride, that huge house, but being in large spaces can feel quit lonely too. I have come to appreciate a packed small house. The kids come back on the 13th of February.

That small space is not going to be empty no more.

Bienvenido Año nuevo

WE are in a new year... WE get to start fresh again...We get to create new memories, WE...WE... WE...WE...WE!  

This year has been quit good to me.  Nothing but positive love and memories to share.  But, don't get me wrong.  Mr. Ugly has tried to rear its ugly head in and out since the first of Jan.  WE try to hide, but they always find us.  This year I am going to meditate.  I am going to make sure that I am balanced.   That I am not taken for granted and that I am heard.  So far, it has been quit the challenge (people get to comfortable easily).  

As I type this blog out I can't help but look at my hands.  THEY ARE GIGANTIC!

Ok, now I am back...  My vacations so far consist of Chiclayo.  This is a pretty big city in the north part of Perù. It is very desert like.  We visited their biggest outdoor market (which had a guy selling snake oil and people who had live snakes), to the museum of Sipàn in Lambayeque, and to a black sand beach in Pimentel.  It was a nice 4 day 3 night trip.  I had fun and got to eat ice cream every single day  (not really possible to do while in Lima).  It was a nice time to hang out with the community too.

Now, I wait for what I have been waiting for all this time... RETREAT.  WE will be having our beginning of the year retreat hopefully starting tomorrow or Saturday.  I am mostly excited because Brother Bill Hugo will be sharing it with us.  Pray for us as we enter into reflection for the next 5 days.  Reflection of the past 6 or 18 months, reflection of who we are and what we can offer, reflection of going back to the US, reflection of what our next year will be for us and what we want our next year to be for us.

Gracìas Jesùs

To end the year off...

Its been to long...

This post is to bring the year to an end.  This past year has been quit the trip.  From the negatives to the positives.  I would describe this year like a phoenix gone mad to a phoenix of hope.  

The beauty of Phoenixes is the idea of burning to ash and then being reborn through it.  It may seem like all is wiped clean, but that is not true... the phoenix holds all feelings and memories from it's past life.  This is true about all relationships that have been through hell and is in the process of healing.  I have never shared my entire life with anyone yet.  Of course those that have lived it with me know those parts.  I have hidden a lot about me for the past 20 years of my life.  

This new year, I would like to share more of who Tania is... Where she comes from... How she grew up... with who she grew up with... her home (Hawaii)... and her experiences.  These have been hidden well and for good reason.  With trust,  I have learned, there is pain and fear.  Two things that I have built thick walls around me to prevent from entering into me.  Two things that can help me be more free.  

This year pain and fear is what I invite.

Why am losing things?

Siento que Dios esta tomando todo mis cosas.

This past week I just lost another Cap. brother. I don't want to lose anymore. Brother Vincent Reyes really made my days when I was a volunteer in Detroit, Michigan. I still remember our morning hellos and good-byes. The times we would watch the news/movie/or baseball game in the brothers living room (I still don't know if that was really allowed, lol). He had such a glow to him when ever he was around and boy, could he tell a joke.

The third day of my volunteer time in Detroit, brother Vince told Derek, Gwen, and I that he was a recovering anorexic and the beefalo story. You could always count on him to lighten the room. I also remember when he made Manhattans for us and we just chilled out talking in the dining room sipping on her drinks.

Though all of these were great memories, I still think sitting at the same table with him for the Thursday night dinner were the best. We were quit the joke team, him and I. It was perfect when ever Bro. Ray was also there. He showed me that we do need to be grown-ups, but it doesn't mean that we can't play.

Muchisimas Gracias Hno. Vince por una vida maravillas. Sin ti estaria muy diferente.

To be happy where you are... [Estar feliz donde estas]

I am very happy where I am right now....

This is the most comfortable I have ever felt since being in Peru. They say you must die to live again. In the past week and a half we have received 2 live-in groups and one group that travels in and out from the states. This is about 30 US citizens. 9 high school students, 7 university students, and 11 global volunteers (plus their teacher and chaperones). It's been interesting to have the whole lot of them here. In my pabellon, I have 3 of the high school girls sleeping there. The work load has lessened quit a bit, but i still feel as if i am doing to much. The girls want to help but they have not become accustomed to the speed. Also, they have not learned yet how to clean correctly. I forgot how lazy we can be when it comes to cleaning. Cleaning here at CDLN is not just a pick-up what you see, but it is pretty much a deep clean everyday.

For the past two weekends, I got to go play bowling. I forgot how much I love the sport and how much fun it is to just get out. Our friends, Nya and Manuel always invites us over to their house to hangout. So, it has been a Saturday ritual for me.

My kids are great... they crack me up a lot. They can irritate me too, but what kid doesn't. I am now taking guitar lessons. It's hard, but I am not going to give up.

The Mask: I've been struggling with what people call 'the mask'. Who am I? Why do I pretend? I no longer wear 'the mask' (I think). I am who I am. I am crazy, silly, weird, and yes, ridiculous. If I wasn't, then I must be wearing 'the mask'. Am I serious... 80% of the time---NO! But, when I am you will know.

Alyssa leaves for the states this coming up weekend. It is going to be quit the experience for her. It will be great to get some news back about how the US is doing. I won't be back anytime soon, but when I do go back my mind will defianetly remain open.

I ammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm BACK!!!

"Yo solo se que no se nada"

Junio:
Wow, has it been that long since my last blog? I am going to make it goal to do this once a week.

So, much has happened since March. Pain and happiness. I have learned quit a lot about myself. Like, how I am a mirror and can take nothing and make it something or how I can learn a dance by watching it once all the way through (this helps a lot in Alabanza).

Presently, I am the only one of us that is still considered single. Though with time that may change, lol. Life in Peru is ending, but at the same time it is just beginning. For me, I am getting more involved with different activities here. Today, I helped with music for Confirmation and also helped out in the class. I think I might continue to do this if they would like the help. I am still singing for mass.

Oh, for those that don't know... I am presently in Nino Jesus the youngest house. I got switched before the year started. I go to help Sonrisa in the afternoon with homework and clothes. I really like working in NJ because the kids are just more apt to speak to you even if you don't know the language well. A bonus is that one of the tutors has a infant son and well, I love baby's so that pretty much says it all.

I have three friends in Peru and I need to figure out how to see them. Well, I will let you all know if I do in the next blog. Chau....

Beginning of a new year and Celebrating a birth

Well, Since the time that all the kids came back life here at CDLN has been quit busy. A lot of the beginning dealt with the getting use to a new schedule and the new freedom that we as a community felt we needed. So, my work schedule is a little different then before.

M-R: 5:30 or 5:45am in Nino Jesus
6:30am Breakfast
7:00am Cleaning
8 or 8:15am Laudes/ Mass
9:30am- 12:30pm Free Time
12:50pm Picking up the kiddies
1:45pm Lunch
3:30p-5:30pm In Sonrisa to help with homework
5:30pm Back in Nino Jesus 6:15pm Dinner
7:00pm Alabanza
7:45pm Lavanderia
8:30pm Done

On Fridays, I work half day. Saturday is a no work day. Sunday my schedule goes back to M-R schedule (except for Salidas). On Tuesdays, we have reflection time and on Fridays we do community dinner. On Saturdays, we try to do a community activity in the morning or afternoon. It's been quit a change from what we were doing last school year, but I believe we are getting into the hang of things.

I like it because it gives me a chance to do other things like make a picture frame for our spray paint:
BIRTH DAY:
Woke up at 5:47am (I am usually in my pabellon at 5:30am). Had to wake up Nicole (my German friend who is leaving on the 24th) and we had to do a rush dress. Anita had the kids sing 'Happy Birthday' before we left for breakfast. Went to morning mass, but there was no brothers so Hno. Pedro lead it. At the end, they showed up and I thought we were going to have to do it all over again. But, instead Hno. Sergio had me go up for a birthday blessing. It always gets me when they do blessing song. It was beautiful. A lot of picture taking :S

I wanted to go sit down right away, but then the hugs came on. If that was all for that day, I would have been satisfied. But, that was just the beginning. Went back to my pabellon and finished cleaning. Then, Anita told me "Lets go". Two of my ladies from Sonrisa came over and they plus my ladies of Nino Jesus took me out for lunch. It was lovely and very filling. Pollo de brasa, tallarin, breadpudding, papas fritas, and Inca Kola YUM!

Back at CDLN, for more B-day greetings. Took a walk to the market place to get a call card for the next day. Got back and found out there was no Alabanza. I was sad because I love Alabanza. But, oh well... I had a party I needed to attend. The fiesta was memorable. Hno. Pedro, Hno. David, Cesar, Jocelyn, Gabriela, Dina, Guilla, Guilla's little daughter, Anita, Laura, Baby Francisco, Alyssa, Michael, and Jay were all there. Danced with Hno. Pedro and Francisco. Hno. David brought over some Eucharistic wine (me gusta).

Such a beautiful day filled with beautiful people. Best B-day EVER!

The kids are coming soooooooooon...

The Past is the textbook of tyrants; the Future the Bible of the Free. Those who are solely governed by the Past stand like Lot's wife, crystallized in the act of looking backward, and forever incapable of looking before. ~Herman Melville, White Jacket

Looking back I see that I have come a long way to making a good future. Currently, life is waiting for the future. In about two weeks we will be receiving our new kids. A little over a week from that day we should have all our kids. My soul can't wait anymore.

On 1 of February, the tutors came back from vacation. We had our first staff meeting today which was fun. It was run by the psychologists who work with our kids. One of the questions that was asked was "What do you want to be/ do this year?" It was hard to think about it because for them it is long term. But, as for me it is short term. It also reminded me that I have less than a year with this organization. I guess for me it would be "What do you want to be/ do before the end of this year?" OMG! I want to do so much. Though knowing me, service will override most opportunities to travel. It's a curse and a blessing to love serving.

Since, being back from Ica I have been helping out with random things. Like office work and making wine. The San Juan House has a mini vineyard and we are in the season of grapes. So, hno. Polo let us help with picking them and then smashing them. It is quit the experience. The transformation from clear liquid to purple is beautiful. I can't wait to go back to Ica for the winemaking festival in March. Do I hear birthday present? LOL!

Currently, I feel at home. I can finally call CDLN home. We are all like family here and everyone cares about everyone. In a way, I can feel the OHANA.

The new year....

Since the new year began... I have not been in Lima for to long. I have been traveling which has been a great change for I believe all of us. First, we spent time in Arequipa which was relaxing and new for us. Arequipa is a beautiful place with beautiful green land and mountains. We stayed in Centro Arequipa at a hostal called "Amazing Homes". It is a hostal run by a family. The owner, Alex, was very hospitable. He helped us with getting things set for our Colac trip and bus tour. Also suggested an awesome/ cheap restaurant and made us breakfast if we were in.

For the first day, we just walked around Centro to get familiar with the streets. Then, the next day we took the bus tour. There was two ladies who rode on the same cruz del Sur as us. So, we had them to experience Arequipa with. They were really awesome a mother and daughter team. They are from Lima too. We got to see a lot in 4 hours. Went to ' Alpaca del Mundo' which is like a alpaca farm and shop for tourists to see. Then, we went more to the out skirts of Arequipa. We went to a museum, a tour in Sachaca, and the Sandia Molina just to name a few. After t he tour we had lunch with our friends at a Chifa, lol.

The day before Colca (Monday)... we visited two places... Santa Catalina and the Museum with Juanita in it. Santa Catalina is a categral for the sisters. It is almost it's own city. It's pretty huge. At the museum we learned about Juanita. A young girl who was chosen as a sacrfice. Whose body they found and was fortunately still at this museum in Arequipa. The workers said that she gets moved around a lot because a lot of people want to see here. Her body is mummified.

Tuesday - Wednesday: Colca Canyon-- The best and toughest part of the Arequipa trip. We left our hostal at 3:15a and got to the cruz del condor by 9am. Didn't see any Condors. Headed to our starting point which left us with 7 hours of hiking. Half way through we had lunch a city (Lomo saltada and soup). Then ended up at the Oasis where we spent the night. The next morning Alyssa and I got up to start hiking up hill at 4:30am. But, we didn't leave until 5:40am. 1/3 way up one of the mule rides asked me if I would like to ride the mule. I didn't want to slow Alyssa down anymore so I opted for the ride. It was scary and hard because I am the type of person that controls the direction. Plus my mule was a edge walker O_O

After breakfast we went to a hot spring. It felt so good to soak my bites from the night before. They still itch like hell though. My first time in a hot spring. After that we had lunch at a all you can eat spot. It was yummy. Then, it was back to Arequipa. We ended up meeting up with people we met on the hike to go out for a drink. It was a great two days.

Thursday, we decided to relax a bit. Took a walk into town for lunch at Mamut. They make great sandwiches. Friday, we headed back to Lima. Stayed in Lima for the daytime and then headed out at night for Caraz. If you aren't use to that, I suggest comming back the day before.

Got into Caraz on Sunday at 6 am. Had Breakfast with Hno. Mariano and then went to Pueblo Libre which was where we were staying. It wasn't what some were expecting. It was a treat home for more mission retreats. I liked it or was atleast fine with it. Mass was at 11am. It was a nice mass.... Hno. Larry helped out. Then, we had a tour that was set-up by Hno. Filberto. Our Taxi/guide was named Alan. At lunch, 3 got Pachamanca and 2 got Parilla. Pachamanca is a huge plate of: 2 different types of potatoes, meat, chicken, habas, Choclo, and a choclo desert. Usually one plate can feed 2 people. Parilla is just grilled chicken with fries.

Then, Alan took us to a lagoon called llangucho in the mountains. It was a raining and cold. But, the view was miraculous. It was beautiful. Me gusta mucho. There was waterfalls and the walls looked like they had windows cut into them. Using the bathroom was not fun. The water to wash our hands were freexing cold and we had to go out into the freezing cold air right after that. I hope to go back when it is much sunnier.








Then, it was back for our first dinner. Hna. Consuelo was our cook for the retreat and she really took care of us. Her meals we so filling and they were delicious. I loved it. I'm ot much of a meat fan, but if served I will eat and I devoured her lomo saltada. It's the best I have ever had. Her Tallarine rojo was delicious tambien.

For our first, day of retreat we took a walk up to a cross in the mountain. This was the smallest of two that we did. It was a great time of reflection. At the top there was a young girl. At frist she hid from me but after awhile she showed herself. She lived about an 1 1/2 walk from that spot. She ended up being our photographer (it was her first time using a camera). She was sweet. I also gave here some sweets.

The next day we took a hike up Huancaran the bigger mountain from teh bottom you see 2 huge crosses. But, when you get to the top there are three. Consuelo told us that they have mass up there. There are two ways to climb this mountain. By going us the face of it or to get driven to a point at the top adn walking for about an hour. We decided the second.

It was nice to do it as a group. The views were worth it. Especially, the view of the Andes. From the top you can see all teh surrounding places: Caraz, yungay, ongo, wasura.

After the hike, we got back in time for Consuelo to give us lunch which was not really expected. Every morning at 7:30am, we had mass. This was a bit refreshing because it was done in English. I was surprised I still remembered the English being that for the past 5 months I have been doing mass in Spanish. I wander how it will be in a year from now?

It was really good to have Hno. Larry here in Peru. It is always refreshing to have someone from the states. So, this is an invitation to you... Come to Peru and visit. Until next time. Feliz Ano Nuevo!

The year is almost over...

So, this is the blog that I recount all that has happened this past year and I must say I don't think i deserved it at all.

January-July: I was still in Detroit working at Alternatives for Girls (AFG). Detroit defianetly stle my heart and it remains there til this day. All the people I met and worked with are still dear to me. I miss hanging out with my community there and riding a bike everywhere. I miss going to the Boll YMCA and taking spinning classes. I miss eating Veggies straight from the garden with mi amiga Gwennie. I miss my roommates: Derek, Gwen, Hno. Vince, y Hno. Bob. I miss St. Charles and everything about it. I miss my outside Amigos: Leor, Shannon, Mike, Nikki, Alan, Kristen, Sarah R y B, Marta, and Gisella (just to name a few). I miss the access to marathons.

I learned so much about myself and about life. I learned to love unconditionally and to listen without interruption. I learned to read the needs of others. I learned that living is complete when you can live within anothers life and that we are here to share our stories in turn to learn others stories.

July-Now:
After leaving Detroit, I spent two weeks in Chicago for orientation. I meet some really great people who heard the call and answered "Yes". After, I spent 2 weeks in Hawaii to spend time with friends and family. It was hard but necessary. It's good to know that you are being loved. Then, in August I headed to Milwaukee for the final orientation before we (Michael, Alyssa, y yo) headed out to Peru. Life in Peru of course has been great so far. The boys here are funny, fun, and just plain silly. Coming here with no background in Spanish was hard but now I am at the point where I can actually have a conversation with people. It is a slow converstation, but a converstation none the less. We are presently, on our vacation which means pretty much all the boys are gone.

Some of the boys will not be returning like Elias. Elias was a great kid. In the week and a half, we would go running around la ciudad and I would teach him english while he helps me with my spanish. It was nice to have that help.

What will the new year hold? I don't know. But, when it happens I will make sure to let you all know.

I feel like I just got here....

This has been a tough month physically and mentally. The parasite seems to win all the time.

There has been a lot that has been going on. I am taking yoga classes on Fridays which help with seeing clearly again. I haven't been out of 'Ciudad de los ninos' and that may have to be with the fact that I don't trust myself. Which in turn has been putting a barrier on my language learning. Comfort seems to be the only driving force that is helping me. But, then jealousy rears it's ugly head.

On the brightside of things, we had a wonderful thanksgiving dinner here in Peru. Found a whole turkey, made mashed potato, gravy, salad, fruit salad, and a squash pie. Had 4 0f 5 brothers over. It was quit nice to be in a normal setting with them and just sharing a meal. Then hno. Hugo showed us Achmed (LOL).

We had a wonderful global volunteer by the name of Paula, who really did a great job. Global Volunteers is an organization that is located in different countries all over the world. You can apply to do 1-2 weeks of service. You pay a set price and everything is set for you. All you have to bring is money for extra things you would want.

In the past week, we learned that there is a terrorist group that is killing people for their fat. This past weekend Michael went to Huanco with Hno. Pollo and a few of the boys for a song competition. This city is one of the cities that the killing was done in.

I hope in my next blog, I can just type in spanish. For this one, I needed a small break. Thank you to all for your support and prayers for us.