Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Acceptance and the feeling of being trapped

It all started after a 45 min. workout in the hot sun....

Arms started hurting, then the legs, with a slight headache. It could have been from a number of things: Working out insanely to insanity with the roomies in the hot sun; not drinking enough water before, during, and after the workout; not eating enough after the workout; and not recuperating well from the workout. Though all of these are valid reasons, neither one was the answer.

On Monday, I went to our clinic and as I feared it was a fever. Got my Peru version of tylenol and was told to drink the liquids and take the medication. So, for the two days prescription I took my pills and try to drink and eat regularly. The pills were easy to take, but drinking liquids and eating were a struggle. Especially, when anything I ate wanted to leave the same way it went in. By Wednesday, the fever was gone, but the feeling of vomiting was still there. This day I just couldn't fight it anymore and gave in. There was specks of blood [ This showed me a different meaning behind what I call 'Inner wars' ... I fought so much to keep it in that I was only doing damage to the inside of me from keeping it in. I wonder if this is what it means to speak your mind, when you feel soooooo negative about what was done that your insides just want to spill it all out, but instead you keep your mouth shut...].

From Wed. to Fri., I suffered from prevention. Preventing myself from vomiting and from going to get medical help. I just felt better resting and falling asleep. Friday, I finally went to the emergency. Good thing I did because I wouldn't have known that I had Hep A. Nasty virus that is common for foreigners to catch. What is the remedy? Rest, Liquids, and a bland diet. Overall, ZERO ACTIVITY! That last one challenged me after 2 days.

ZERO ACTIVITY? What does the even mean? Oh, no cooking... no walking to much... Just stay in bed, read a book, watch a movie, and drink your liquids. This was after coming out of a week of being seriously sick. A lot of close friends can just imagine the pain (mentally) that was going through and still am going through.

Though one thing I have learned through all this is that there is no one to blame for this. It is just something that ended up happening to me. What made me come to this conclusion you maybe wondering. Well, it all started after a visit from a friend who reminded me to pray.

Through out this whole ordeal I didn't pray. I didn't start actually praying until the 11th day. I got back into praying the rosary on the 12th day and haven't missed a day yet. I am on my 20th day of being sick and my outlook on life has become much more clearer. I have added a few new prayers to my prayer time. I am praying the Christmas Novena and meditating on the days of Advent. For the pass 10 days I have struggled with being kept inside and trying not to allow jealousy to come into my heart when my roommates announce very loudly that the chocolate they are eating is just "SOOOOOOO GOOOD!" Or other foods that well I can't eat right now.

Of course, I keep all this in because I don't really know how to verbalize how these things make me feel without sounding or seeming Passive-Aggresive. This Advent I feel as if I God has given me a piece of land to rest in and to discover the talents/ gifts that he has bestowed on me. But, I am doing exactly what Isaiah 5:1-7 talks about. I am producing wild grapes and not tending the land. But, the difference of this story and my present life is that God is tending my land without me knowing. He is keeping it well, while he allows me to walk around angrily and in rage at the feeling of being stuck in one place for to long. When I feel as if I am being abandon he shows me that I had company. When I feel as if there is no end to this infinite void he creates cracks to show me the light that I will be surrounded by when I am finally free. He cares for me even though I may have to suffer just a little bit more.

During this time, I have been reading the "Ignatian Workout" which is a book about how to develop a stronger prayer life. Rule number one... it will never be perfect. Rule number two...It is not always a sunny and happy time. As I read the different principles and meanings of prayer I am awed at how much I have been doing them already. I have not found anything new... yet. But, I as I read on my prayers have become more conversational (which Ignatius says that pray is basically... my thoughts exactly).

There are 7 practices to the workout:
1. Gaining interior peace
2. Practicing the presence of God
3. Making preparatory prayer (In this case, pray that God might help you to understand the things in your life that hinder you from knowing God's will.)
4. Using your imagination. (Put yourself in the story, and use all your senses.)
5. Making your requests known. (Let God know what you are thinking about.)
6. Engaging in a closing conversation with God.
7. Repeating what works for you.

I have used many of this practices in different prayers and they have been helpful in understanding our God. Have these practices help me get to where I am at? I have a huge feeling... YES! Am I good right now... not at all. Do I hurt? YES! Am I suffering? YES! Do Accept these things? YES! It is hard to do so but that is what I feel I need to do. Do I want to punch the wall or the bed post? Yeah, I want to punch things. Is God working in me, is he calming me, is he holding me back from unleashing my anger? YES... Oh, gosh he is.

Some songs that have been helping me through this ordeal are:
Our God-- Chris Tomlin
Hello Fear-- Kirk Franklin
Before I die-- Kirk Franklin
Sing sing sing-- Chris Tomlin
Timeless-- Matt Maher
Father Can you hear me-- Tyler Perry

2 de Diciembre, 2011

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